


The Breaking Of Dawn

by shan_love



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Casual Sex, Character Study, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, POV: Faith Lehane, Post-Series, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-14 16:56:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2199639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shan_love/pseuds/shan_love
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This ain’t about Dawnie; actually, it’s got almost nothin’ ta do with her. I don’t care that, when I go, she’ll be left broken, her feelings for me so twisted she’ll never be able ta look me in the eye again. Don’t care that this moment’ll be on her mind for the rest of her life, that I’ll be the face she sees whenever she closes her eyes. ‘Cos like I said, this ain’t about her.<br/>It’s about YOU, B, just like it always is. </p><p>Set Post-Series. Non Comic-Canon. One Shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Breaking Of Dawn

This ain’t about Dawnie; actually, it’s got almost nothin’ ta do with her. I don’t care that, when I go, she’ll be left broken, her feelings for me so twisted she’ll never be able ta look me in the eye again. Don’t care that this moment’ll be on her mind for the rest of her life, that I’ll be the face she sees whenever she closes her eyes. Even now, with three fingers knuckle deep inside her, I don’t care if I’m ruinin’ her for everyone – _anyone_ – else. ‘Cos like I said, this ain’t about her.

It’s about _you_.

From the moment we met, everything I’ve done – good, evil, or in between – has been for you.

I fought by yer side ta show ya I was good enough. Never was though, was I? Always a step behind, the left ta yer right, the bad ta yer good. For a moment though, it was somethin’ else. For a moment, it was _everything_ an’ I know, I _know_ , you felt it too. An’ then it all changed; ya saw me as a challenge instead of a friend an’, before long, s’all I had ta give ya.

Kissed ya in an alley once, hard enough ta bruise, ta show ya I cared, ta let ya know I was there, that I was waitin’, that I’d _always_ wait for ya. But it wasn’t enough; _I_ wasn’t enough, not with Angel around.

I joined the mayor ta get back at you for not wantin’ me, for choosin’ _him_ instead. Maybe I should’ve left Sunnydale, left California; hell, maybe I should’ve left the whole fuckin’ US of A. God knows Europe’s got more’n enough bloodsuckers ta keep a Slayer busy an’ good ol’ Uncle Sam never did shit for me but I think we both knew I wouldn’t – couldn’t – do that. Not when you wouldn’t even miss me.

I fought against ya ta prove ya weren’t better, that I was stronger an’ ya needed that strength, needed _me_. God, I just wanted you ta _need_ me. But ya didn’t…‘cos I never _was_ better’n you, even if I did convince ya – convinced us both, maybe – that I thought otherwise.

Kissed ya again ta show ya I hadn’t been lyin’ but, really, ya shoulda known that anyway. I _never_ lied to ya. Ta the Scoobs, ta myself even…but never you; never could lie ta you.

I jumped off the roof thinkin’ I wouldn’t survive an’ knowin’ that, if I didn’t, least ya wouldn’t have ta deal with the guilt of killin’ me. Didn’t want ya, couldn’t _let_ ya, feel that pain. Even though ya didn’t want me…I _still_ couldn’t make ya hurt. Not like me. Not like that.

I dreamed with ya so you’d be ready, so ya wouldn’t _die_ or so that, if ya did, ya wouldn’t do it alone. No one should have ta die alone. An’ maybe I…I wanted ya ta have a memory of me that wasn’t colored by everything else that happened between us. Maybe I wanted ya ta remember me like I was yer friend, even if I never really was.

Made myself wake up ta search for ya but, by the time I did, you’d already forgotten me. An’ I couldn’t let ya forget me…not when I couldn’t forget you. Sometimes…sometimes I think ya made it a lil too easy ta hate ya. An’ sometimes I wish I’d had the nerve ta _really_ hate ya an’ not just pretend I did. Still, it was enough; I always _was_ a first-rate liar an’, I guess, you were too ‘cos ya lied so pretty every time our eyes met, actin’ like ya didn’t get it, like ya didn’t get _me_. But I know ya did ‘cos we’re one an’ the same, you an’ me. Maybe it’s a Slayer thing…or maybe it’s just us. Dunno; never bothered ta find out.

I hunted you, yer friends, yer family, so ya wouldn’t _ever_ forget my face again. ‘Cos I couldn’t risk it. ‘Cos, brief though it was, I’d only ever been good when I was with ya an’ if ya stopped thinkin’ about me…it was like I’d vanish, like I’d just…stop _bein’_. Like I really was lost.

Fought ya again – seems ta be a habit with us, don’t it? – though I guess I was really just fightin’ myself that time, only you were wearin’ my face, which was kinda trippy, not gonna lie. But the worst part of the whole thing? Ya saw it, ya _felt_ it, felt _me_. So I did the only thing I could do, only thing I’d ever _really_ been good at; I ran.

I ran ‘cos ya saw inside an’ I didn’t want it to break you too. You were too good for it, for me. But, even then, I couldn’t let ya go. You were eatin’ me up from the inside out an’ I still wanted – still _needed_ – ta be better. For me, for you, for an us that’d never really been an’, thanks ta me, would never be.

I went after Angel ‘cos, well, it struck me as sort of a win-win. If I hurt him, I’d hurt _you_ an’ ya’d never be able ta forget me if I dusted the Romeo ta yer Juliet, right? An’ if he killed me, well…well, that’d be just fine. Maybe ya’d remember me then, too. He would, at least. Funny thing was, he _got_ me, ya know? Almost as much as you did. Some days, I think he shoulda just killed me, that night in the rain. But he didn’t an’ I like ta think it was because of you. ‘Cos, like I said, Angel got me…an’ he gets you too.

I went ta prison ‘cos I knew I deserved ta be punished for all the sins I’d written, in both yer name an’ mine, an’, when it came down to it, I didn’t wanna make ya put me down. I went ‘cos ya asked me too, even if ya never said the words aloud; still heard ‘em loud an’ clear. God knows the best words we ever shared were never really spoken.

Broke out ta save him ‘cos he helped me, ‘cos he understood what it was like ta lose yerself in _you_ , but mostly ‘cos I knew you’d’ve been heartbroken if I hadn’t. Even if ya said ya didn’t love him anymore, ya couldn’t fool me. The others, yerself, but never me. Ya never could lie ta me, just like I couldn’t lie ta you. An’ maybe I did it ‘cos I hoped it’d kill me. ‘Cos then, at least, ya’d have ta remember me as an ally, as a _friend_. It wouldn’t be everything but it’d be _something_ an’ that’d be enough.

Hitched a ride back ta Sunny D so I could die beside ya; I’m nothin’ if not a realist. Honestly, I was sure we’d _all_ die there, the First claimin’ yer lil ‘dale for the big ‘E’ once an’ for all. An’, for the most part, I was okay with that, the dyin’ bit, ‘cos I mean, _fuck_ , how many times had I died for you before, even if it _was_ only in my head? An’, hell, maybe, if I was lucky, I’d get the chance ta save ya. An’ that woulda been enough. Ya would’ve remembered me forever then; more’n that, you’d’ve remembered me _well_.

I led the Potentials ‘cos ya begged me too, though ya never said a word. Think we both knew they’d’ve chosen someone else if I’d refused – probly Special K since she had the biggest mouth – an’ ya didn’t wanna see ‘em all die. So I stepped up, in, whatever. An’ it coulda been worse; least ya didn’t watch _all_ of ‘em die.

I fought for ya, beside ya, ‘cos ya needed me too. Needed me ta be the Slayer I was always supposed ta be an’, for a moment, a brief, shinin’ moment, that’s who I was. Wieldin’ the scythe _you_ entrusted…it was the first, last, an’ only time I ever felt like I was good enough for…anything, really. But it didn’t last; it wasn’t _enough_. An’ the taste it left in my mouth…its sweetness turned sour far too soon.

Which brings us ta the here an’ now, with me fuckin’ yer lil sister so you’ll remember I’m still here, still waitin’’, still fightin’, an’ still not lyin’.

It ain’t about Dawnie, poor kid; it never really was.

It’s about _you_ , Buffy, just like it always is.


End file.
